Friday, August 26, 2011

A Revised Hurricane Readiness Checklist for My Northern Sisters

Ladies,

Bless your hearts! By which I mean a)you seem to be reacting with rather disproportionate panic to the oncoming hurricane forecasted to grace your shores and I feel empathy for you and b) y'all are so dumb. Really, really pretty, but so dumb. 

So I feel like I have to tell you that you're overreacting. We're hearing that Connecticut Junior Leaguers have actually cancelled this weekend's tennis matches and Bostonites are letting people merge into traffic.  It's like The Day After Tomorrow up there!


(Dude. I'm SO inviting him to my hurricane party.) 

So in the spirit of sisterhood, even though y'all have been mean to me and mocked my accent every freaking time I've ever traveled north of Virginia, I have some advice for you on how to survive the approaching Hurricun (yes that's how we say it):
  • Get a blowout and a leg wax like, NOW. When the power and hot water go out for three days you'll still look fabulous. 
  • Consider disregarding the Saffir-Simpson Hurricane Scale for this one we came up with at UNC (GO HEELS!):

    • Buy gallons and loaves (respectively) of milk and bread, even if you have veganism or celiac disease. I can't tell you why--it's a secret known only to us SEC girls. 
    • Just for giggles: while you're at the grocery store, buy inordinate amounts of something completely random--say, pickles and prunes. Then shake your head, tisk, and bless the hearts of all the other people in the grocery check out line like they have no clue.  
    • Resist the urge to buy gallons and gallons of bottled water. Instead, fill up your bathtub and have a bucket at the ready (for flushing!--bless your hearts!). I mean, it's not like you'll go thirsty. It's going to flood!  
    • Do bring a portable stereo with you to the grocery store. Once it gets really crowded, blast "Singin' in the Rain" at top volume to the throngs of emergency shoppers. Then teach them all a sassy dance number and cross "start a flash mob" off of your bucket list.
    • As a side note, y'all should really consider putting the sugar in the tea before you serve it.  
    • Do NOT pass the liquor store. Buy all the booze you can afford. After enough hours without electricity you will be bored senseless and need respite. Also, you will learn that during a hurricane, alcohol is more vital than water. Even if you don't drink you can barter your booze for canned goods once the power goes out and everyone's food turns into...okay I'm not even going to tell you how gross that shit will be!  
    • Know that your boyfriend/husband/lady partner WILL insist on driving somewhere during the storm. Don't try to stop them as they have no control over their instinct to rescue people/pull trees off of roads/get electrocuted/buy more beer.
    • Grits are delicious. Shut up.
    • You'll also need this: Traditional Hurricane Recipe:
      • 2 oz light rum
      • 2 oz dark rum
      • 2 oz passion fruit juice
      • 1 oz orange juice
      • ½ oz fresh lime juice
      • 1 Tablespoon simple syrup
      • 1 Tablespoon grenadine.
    Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and strain into a Hurricane glass filled with ice. Garnish with a cherry and an orange slice. Spoon feed to Jake Gyllenhaal while softly whispering to him how pretty he is.  

    • Should you become really, really drunk, be sure to find a nice air mattress or floatable couch upon which to pass out.  When your house floods you will rise with the water. This saved my second cousin's life during Katrina--true story.
    • When the storm picks up right good, prepare to fight to the death until only one of you remains. Watch for tracker jackers. You might need protection and/or a hunting partner so find a Peeta or a Gale. 
    • Re: previous advice. To pass the time once the power goes, read The Hunger Games (by flashlight!) and then pretend your house is a Panem arena. Should your husband give you any lip about borrowing his hunting bow remind him that you are The Mockingjay.  
    •  If you're worried about how to entertain your kids indoors, under duress, with no electricity, do not worry. Follow the lead of a generation of Gulf Coast Moms and:
      • Put all of the children in the master bedroom. Tell them to keep trying when they complain that the TV and the lights don't work. A copy of the Little House on the Prairie series will keep them sufficiently entertained so long as at least one of the children can read aloud. If they screech too much give them a copy of The Hunger Games and tell them they're to be the next tributes.
      • Be sure to crack the windows in said master bedroom so that the gale forces do not shatter the window glass and decapitate/jugular-artery-sever any of them.
      • Lock the door on them. They will be FINE, unless they are not strong swimmers, in which case you might want to at least put the young ones in swimmies. 
      • See above re: Hurricane recipe. 
    OK I just HAVE to tell you, bless your hearts. The eggs and milk are just for the french toast you'll make for the surviving children once the power comes back on.
      Finally: good luck! May the odds be ever in your favor...



      1 comment:

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