Friday, May 14, 2010

Dear Becky: An Open Letter From the Mass In Your Left Breast

May 14, 2010
In Response to Your Letter: To the Trespasser Inside My Left Breast


Dear Becky,

First, we'd like thank you for your hospitality.  Your temperate 98.6 degree environment has suited us perfectly, as has the nourishment provided by your steady diet of sugar, caffeine and alcohol.  (Some members of our faction would have you know that they prefer Malbec to Merlot, but we digress.)  Furthermore, the days you go braless provide us much amusement.  It's like a fun park ride in here.  (Some members of our faction would like to make you aware of their tendency toward motion sickness.  They recommend La Perla Intimates [available at Nordstrom] or the Spanx Bra-llelujah.)


Secondly, we'd like to inform you that we are of peace, always.  (That's right.  We can hear everything in here.  That V show on TV is awesome!  Tell us, do you think the lizard baby birth scene will be as good as the 1980's version?)  (Some members of our faction kindly ask that you stop Tivo-ing True Blood.  We hate those fake southern accents.)  (Also, we really enjoy Grey's Anatomy.  When the brave doctors discover a Hail Mary miracle cure for some kid with cancer your resulting crying-provoked estrogen rush is positively exhilarating.  We're STILL talking about the one where the mother AND the baby die in childbirth.)


Our point is, we mean you no harm.  We don't even know how we got here, nor do we fully understand this biological imperative to reproduce uncontrollably.  (We're kind of like teenagers that way.  Really, we just want to crash on your couch for a little bit.  All this reproduction is EXHAUSTING.)  And like teenagers, we really don't fully understand who we are quite yet.  Remember when we watched The Matrix on USA a couple weeks back?  We might perceive, like you, that we're an invasive, uncontrollable mass of ever-replicating cells with an undeniable compulsion to invade adjacent tissues, wreak havoc on all your organ systems and, ultimately, eradicate you.  (No offense.  We kind of like you.)   But the reality might very well be that we've been duped by a race of all-powerful, artificially intelligent machines (i.e., the WebMD symptom checker) and that we're actually just a hormone-provoked cyst that will dissipate of its own volition in about two weeks.  (Yes, we heard you doctor's explanation.  She's a regular Morpheus, isn't she?)   


Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself in your upcoming mammogram.  (Which, by the way, we are REALLY not looking forward to.  We hear they're even more constricting than your sports bra.)


Until then, good hostess, we suggest avoiding caffeine, your husband, lying on your stomach, and running up and down the stairs with your usual vigor. 


Also, we have requests from several among us that you start watching Glee.  We hear it's freakin' HILARIOUS. 


Affectionately and Indefinitely Yours,
The Goodwill Ambassadors of the Breast Mass of Questionable Significance

Thursday, May 13, 2010

To the Trespasser Inside My Left Breast

Good morning, intruder.  I cannot blame you for your choice of abode.  It's warm and soft and nourishing there.  My babies would tell you the same.

I would like to start out by informing you that you are not welcome here.  (This is difficult for me to state, as I am genuinely a very hospitable person and absolutely LOVE having company.)  I am truly sorry if I misled you in any way into thinking that I would house or foster you.  Yes, I have often complained about the size and condition of my breasts and have even considered an addition or remodel.  This occasional dissatisfaction does not mean, though, that said real estate is available for sale, rent, or occupation.  (To be quite honest, I've never had a roomate or a parasite and do not wish for either now. )

You should have received your eviction papers by now.  Yet you persist in your tenancy!

I would ask, regardless, that the members of your clan (which incidently seem to be growing)  refrain from traveling from their current location.  I warn you: the lymph node in my armpit may seem to be a desireable travel destination but is positively Syrian in its concurrent beauty and propensity to violence (my white cells: terrorists!) and so I inform you that you are banned from travel there and am, in fact, revoking your passport.

I should also make a special announcement that your continued presence in what my children affectionately refer to as my Nanas may result in your being needle aspirated, cultured, squashed in mammography, irradiated, poisoned, or EXCISED.

Also: I reject your claim that I have judged you (and harshly) without even getting to know you.  No, I do not know whether you are benign or malignant.  I DON'T REALLY CARE. You may call me a cell-ist if that makes you feel better about yourself.  I am not.  In fact, some of my best friends are cells or some combination thereof.  I am particularly fond of neurons and zygotes.  And it is common knowledge that amoeba babies are ADORABLE. 

Again I apologize.  I am usually a kind person, given neither to violence nor threats of such.  But I will deport you like an Arizona Mexican.  Consider yourself warned.

I should wrap this up as I have to get off to the doctor's office.  But just to recap, I am asking you, little tangled knot of cells,  to cease and desist in an immediate fashion. 

Yours Truly and Temporarily,
Becky

Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Baby Story: Facebook Edition

Becky Pennington met a really cute boy tonight.
Sept. 18, 1993 at 7:32 pm

Becky Pennington is now friends with Johnny Powell
Sept. 19, 1993 at 9:32 am

Johnny Powell changed his employer to 82nd Airborne
Dec. 14, 1993 at 6:00 am

Johnny Powell likes Wilmington, Isuzu Troopers, and Off Post Passes.
February 28, 1994 at 7:32 pm

Becky Pennington and Johnny Powell are in a relationship.
March 23, 1994 at 11:43 am


Becky Pennington became a fan of Living Happily Ever After.
March 30, 1994 at 3:56 pm

Johnny Powell became a fan of Temporary Relationships.
February 2, 1996 at 4:32 pm

Becky Pennington changed her current city to Dallas, TX.
May 12, 1997 at 5:39 pm

Johnny Powell changed his current city to Raleigh, NC.
May13, 1997 at 5:00 pm

Becky Pennington Four years, people! Seriously, what is wrong with him?
May 14, 1997 at 5:48 pm

Johnny Powell really misses Becky
October 16, 1997 at 9:12 am
     Becky Pennington Miss you too, babe!

Becky Pennington changed her current city to Raleigh, NC
Dec. 31, 1997 at 10:43 pm
     Johnny Powell likes this.

Becky Pennington OMG! HE ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM!
Dec. 25, 1998 at 10:27 am
     Barbara Pennington, Jenny Pennington, and 64 others like this.

Becky Pennington, Johnny Powell, and 250 others are attending Johnny and Becky’s Wedding.

Becky Pennington Powell and Johnny Powell changed their relationship status to Married.
May 20, 2000 at 6:00 pm

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of EPT Early Pregnancy Tests
May 14, 2002 at 6:48 am

Becky Pennington Powell has some exciting news to share!
May 14, 2002 at 6:53 am

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of Not Throwing Up.
May 20, 2002 at 7:04 am

Becky Pennington Powell OH MY GOD MY BOOBS ARE HUGE!
May 22, 2002 at 7:17 am

Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of Nurse Midwives
June 1, 2002 at 1:40 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  NOM NOM NOM!  These raw tomatoes are to DIE for!  ZOMG!
June 1, 2002 at 3:40 pm

Becky Pennington Powell Morning Sickness.  It's not just for mornings anymore.  FML.
June 4, 2002 at 4:22 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  is now friends with Mary David Asheborough, Certified Nurse Midwife
June 6, 2002 at 1:41 pm

Becky Pennington Powell According to the ultrasound, I'm having the lizard baby from V.  FTW!
June 14, 2002 at 12:32 pm

Becky Pennington Powell at Indigo Girls with Jenny PenningtonFACT: the lines for the ladies' rooms at Indigo Girls concerts are REALLY long.  Those Lesbians are really nice, though, and will let pregnant women straight to the front of the line.
July 6, 2002 at 9:46 pm  

Becky Pennington Powell  joined the group The Bradley Method of Natural Childbirth
Sept. 17, 2002 at 2:17 pm
    Mary Catherine Schmilley You are CRAZY!
     Allie Carter MayfairYou’re gonna want an epidural. Trust me lolz!
     Meghan Smith Rider SRSLY?
     Kelly Rogers Why would you want to do that? I say give me the drugs lol!
     Laura Thomas ROFLMAO!
    
Becky Pennington Powell I refuse to wear maternity underwear.  I say this with resolve and aplomb.
Oct, 14, 2002 at 9:18 am

Johnny Powell My wife is the cutest pregnant girl ever.
Oct. 14, 2002 at 10:16 am

Becky Pennington Powell Dear Lord, please let me get through finals and Christmas before this baby comes.  PLZOKTHX.
Nov. 16, 2002 at 4:56 pm

Becky Pennington Powell Wow.  Nursing bras are kinky.  They've got trap door flaps for easy access.  I should have bought some of these a LONG time ago.
Nov. 16, 2002 at 4:56 pm
      Johnny Powell  likes this

Johnny Powell learned what Kegels are tonight.  Also, that women can stop their pee stream  WITHOUT using their hands.
     Dec. 2, 1002 at 9:13 pm
      Jenny Pennington Ahahahahaha!
    
Becky Pennington Powell People do NOT think it's funny when they ask you when you're due and you say "today."  (I'm actually not) In fact they kind of freak out.
Dec. 20, 2002 at 4:52 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  Exactly WHAT is the mucous plug supposed to look like?  (TMI?  Sorry, Dad.)
January 2, 2003 at 6:36 am

Becky Pennington Powell IT’S HAPPENING!
January 7, 2003 at 4:32 am
      Barbara Pennington likes this

Becky Pennington Powell : Johnny Powell You might want to come home. :)
January 7, 2003 at 2:01 pm
     Johnny Powell  Really?
     
Johnny Powell  is going to be a Daddy soon!
January 7, 2003 at 2:03 pm
     Tom Pennington likes this

Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of Hershey’s Kisses and The Sopranos Season Two on DVD
January 7, 2003 at 4:38 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  Waterfalls, magnificent sunlit gardens, flowers opening. Ohmmmm….
January 7, 2003 at 5:16 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  OK this hurts.
January 7, 2003 at 5:41 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  I am powerful!
January 7, 2003 at 5:46 pm

Becky Pennington Powell Heeeeggg.
January 7, 2003 at 5:59 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of Not Throwing Up Hershey’s Kisses
January 7, 2003 at 6:21 pm


Becky Pennington Powell  Errgh. Gar.
January 7, 2003 at 6:49 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  Isn’t time to go the hospital yet? This is starting to get REALLY uncomfortable.
January 7, 2003 at 7:01 pm
     Johnny Powell You’re not going to be any more comfortable at the hospital, honey.
     Becky Pennington Powell  I dislike you intensely.

Becky Pennington Powell  OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
January 7, 2003 at 7:11 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  is in the bathtub. Wow, this warm water feels SOOOOOOOO good! I could just stay in here my whole labor. I could totally give birth RIGHT HERE.
January 7, 2003 at 8:22 pm

Becky Pennington Powell is at Rex Hospital
January 7, 2003 at 8:56 pm

Johnny Powell Contractions are three minutes apart. She’s totally having this baby before midnight. Wish us luck!
January 7, 2003 at 9:06 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  Contractions three minutes apart! I’ve got to be at least six centimeters by now. Hang on…WOW that was a rough one. I almost had to sit down for a second there.
January 7, 2003 at 9:06 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  Can you BELIEVE they expect me to fill out hospital forms WHILE I’M IN LABOR? I’m writing out my insurance information and BAM! Another contraction!
January 7, 2003 at 9:23 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  They are going to be SO SORRY if I pop this baby out right here in triage. LOL.
January 7, 2003 at 9:34 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  ONE CENTIMETER. SERIOUSLY? 16 HOURS OF LABOR AND ONLY ONE EFFING CENTIMETER? PRETTY SURE I WAS AT ONE CENTIMETER BEFORE I EVER EVEN GOT PREGNANT!
January 7, 2003 at 9:54 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  OWW OWW OWWW FUUUUUUUUCK!
January 7, 2003 at 10:04 pm
Johnny Powell became a fan of Doulas and Labor Nurses.
January 7, 2003 at 10:07 pm

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of Pacing, Rocking, Squatting, and four other profiles.
January 7, 2003 at 10:11 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  GARRRRR OM OM OM OH OH!
January 7, 2003 at 10:48 pm

Johnny Powell I don’t know the woman in this room. Can I have my wife back please?
January 7, 2003 at 10:51 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of Vomit Trays.
January 7, 2003 at 11:07 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  THE BIRTHING BALL! SOMEONE GET ME THE EFFING BIRTHING BALL!
January 7, 2003 at 11:29 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of walking during labor.
Jan. 7, 2003 at 11:46 pm

Becky Pennington Powell  They should really do something about the wallpaper in these hallwa.....OW OWW HRMMMMMMM...
Jan. 8, 2003 at 12:01 am

Becky Pennington Powell  WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TURN OFF THAT GODAWFUL MUSIC?
Jan. 8, 2003 at 12:49 am
    Johnny Powell It’s the CD we made for your labor, honey? Remember?
     Becky Pennington Powell  I will kill you.

Becky Pennington Powell  OWW OWW OWWW FUUUUUUUUCK!
Jan. 8, 2003 at 12:51am

Becky Pennington Powell  OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
Jan. 8, 2003 at 1:38 am

Johnny Powell What’s the best way to dispose of those calming lavender-scented pillow thingies? (I’m askin’ for a friend.)
Jan. 8, 2003 at 1:39 am


Becky Pennington Powell  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!
Jan. 8, 2003 at 2:34 am

Johnny Powell  became a fan of Epidurals.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 2:37 am
     Becky Pennington Powell  I CAN DO THIS I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS JUST RUB MY BACK I NEED TO GET IN THE  SHOWER AGAIN OH MY GOD IS THERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS MUCH BLOOD SOMEBODY GET ME A ROCKING CHAIR I NEED A ROCKING CHAIR NOW!
Becky Pennington Powell  became a fan of Absolute Silence from Everyone in the Room During Contractions.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 4:29 am

Johnny Powell Somebody bring me some food? Please? Becks won’t let me leave the room and we’ve been here 9 hours. THX.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 6:19 am
     Ryan Anderson On my way with some Bojangles, dude.

Becky Pennington Powell  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HORRIBLE SMELL? GET THAT OUT OF HERE! WHERE IS MY VOMIT PAN?
Jan. 8, 2003 at 7:14 am
     Johnny Powell *sorry* 

Jenny Pennington is at Rex Hospital
Jan. 8, 2003 at 7:29 am

Becky Pennington Powell IS ONLY AT FOUR CENTIMETERS! WTF?
Jan. 8, 2003 at 8:37 am

Becky Pennington Powell joined the group Laboring Mothers Who Have to Have Pitocin and Having Your Water Broken to Speed Up Labor
Jan. 8, 2003 at 9:14 am
    Becky Pennington Powell dislikes this. :(

Barbara Pennington is at Rex Hospital
Jan. 8, 2003 at 9:27 am

Becky Pennington Powell THAT IS NOT PITOCIN THAT IS RAT POISON.  I AM DYING.  SOMEONE CALL PETA.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 10:01 am

Becky Pennington Powell : Johnny Powell I want to go home! Can we just stop this? Seriously let’s just go home. I can’t handle this anymore.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 10:37 am

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of Holding On To Johnny’s Arm For Dear Life and Trying To Climb Up Johnny To Get Away From The Pain
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:32 am

Becky Pennington Powell HEE HEE WHOO! HEE HEE WHOO! HEE HEE WHOO!
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:37 am

Becky Pennington Powell joined the group Transition.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:38 am

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of The Fetal Position.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:40 am

Becky Pennington Powell UNNNJGH UIOOOOO GARRRRR!!!!!!!
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:41am

Becky Pennington Powell I NEED TO PUSH I HAVE TO PUSH
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:46 am
     Mary Davis Asheborough oh no you don’t.
     Becky Pennington Powell SRSLY?


Becky Pennington Powell glabble abble jarg boo dammkafarratiknon rep ping harpeleglegleglegl!!
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:48 am

Becky Pennington Powell became a fan of Not Dying In Childbirth.
Jan. 8, 2003 at 11:56 am

Mary David Asheborough It’s time. It’s now. Big pushes.
Jan. 8, 2003 12:10 pm

Johnny Powell PUUUUUSH! PUSH! BABY PUSH!
Jan. 8, 2003 12:18 pm

Bridger Banks Powell joined Facebook.
Jan. 8, 2003 12:32 pm

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Minivan Chronicles: Episode 4

(I know, I'm totally getting all George Lucas on you with this Episode Four thing but I'm pretty sure given my history with all things automotive that I'll be writing some prequels at some point in the future.  Trust me, YOU CAN'T WAIT for The Minivan Strikes Back.)

So I finally got it.  The new minivan that I've waited six months, one Suburban and one Land Rover for.  It's a good minivan...it's peppy, it's roomy, and it even has--wait for it--a VCR in it.  (I KNOW!  HOW AWESOME IS THAT?)  (BTW if you know where to buy VHS movies shoot me an email.  I imagine they're at the same store with the telegraph machines)  I suspect it has powers that even I am not aware of, as Bridger has taken to calling it the Secret Agent Super Ultra Megavan.

Well I've had it for about two weeks and weird shit starts happening.  Like the Dark Side put the force choke on my emergency brake, for starters, because I'm driving around Cary and I notice this terrible burning smell and of course I blame it on the Volvo in front of me (I dislike Volvos.  This will all be explained in Episode Three: Revenge of the Nissan).  And then I notice it again and as there are no Volvos anywhere in sight a tiny seed takes root in my mind that it might be me but I'm on my way to the mall and I'm NOT pulling over. 

OK now I see smoke in my rearview mirror.  This is not good.  I have to pull over in front of REI.  (WHY couldn't I have made it to Nordstrom?  The Force is obviously not with me this day.)


So I'm parked in a lot between REI and Dick's Sporting Goods--not a bad place to be if  you're sporting a miniskirt AND your new, ROCKING 4" heeled platform sandals AND your car seems to be on fire.  One would think.  Well, not one freaking knight, Jedi or otherwise, comes to my rescue.  At this point smoke is POURING out of my rear wheel well.  I think this is close to where the gas tank might be and I realize that I may have moved out of damsel-in-distress mode into full-on HAZMAT threat. 


I step away from the vehicle.  FAR away.  I debate whether to call Johnny or the Cary Fire Department.  I have had enough run-ins with the Cary F.D. to know that they might not see the humor in this situation.  The Wicked Turkey, though, is always good for a laugh so I call him first.

"Honey?"
"What's up I'm in an attic.  Make it quick."  (JP is a heating and air guy.  I like to say he heats and cools the Earth like the guy in the Jimmy Dean commercials?  Anyway he gets a little short when working in 120 degree attics.  You understand.)
"Umm...I think my car is on fire."
(Dead silence.)
"You're shitting me."
"Umm, what's the chance that my gas tank might explode?"
"I'm on my way."

I decide that the parking lot is unsafe at this point and decide to take cover in REI.  That store is actually REALLY neat.  They will even let you get IN the kayaks, but they won't laugh when you start singing "I'm on a BOAT, look at me I'm on a motherfucking BOAT!"  In fact, the store manager will ask you to leave.  If you apologize sincerely and inform him that your car is presently on fire, though, he will let you stay. 
(By the time Johnny got there I'd found a new sunhat, BPA-free water bottles for the whole family, and two really cute Coolmax® moisture wicking sundresses.  NOT that I sweat.  EVER.  It's just nice to have spill-proof clothing.  Anyway.  Shopping WIN.  Mission accomplished.)

JP arrives on the scene.  The car has stopped smoking at this point.  He takes a quick look underneath the wheel thingies and then we take a drive around the parking lot to see if it happens again.

Nothing happens.  No smoke, no burning smell.  He draws my attention to the emergency brake handle.  Him: "What's the chance that you've been driving around with this *up*?  Tell me the truth."  Me: "Ummmm..."

Disaster averted.

(By the way I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for the whole Toyota debacle. I owned a Toyota once and it's common knowledge that I destroy every car I drive. I just didn't know my powers extended to an entire manufacturer. I think I should be recalled.)